so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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