from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
