His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's rum buckets o'clock
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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