I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
