Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You ate ashes out of my bong
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
