so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
