I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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