my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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