i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
