I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
