A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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