Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
