last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
