the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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