i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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