Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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