On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
