i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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