i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
