Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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