Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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