Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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