I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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