And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
