Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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