just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
