your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just saw a hot homeless man
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
