an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
