im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
