I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
