so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
