just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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