one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
