My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
