nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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