Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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