i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
