Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You took a bar mat shot.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
