you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
