I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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