Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
