sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
