I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
