Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
