he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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