She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
