his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Alive.
So much puke
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
