i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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