Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
