I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Everything about him screamed your future.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
