i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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