I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
