I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
