People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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