All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
