I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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