She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
