I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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